Thursday Thirteen – Top 13 Names I'll Probably Never Give My Dogs

Barb and I, while happily partnered as breeders for a good long while now (longer than either of us probably would like to admit), do tend to disagree on several topics, not the least of which is the naming of animals. Barb likes snappy patter, names with a sense of humor and preferably a play on words. To wit, her first dog from me was registered as Bullmarket A&As Stripe Ts (get it? Stripe Ts, Strip Tease?). There’s also Elliott, registered as Absolut Bullmarket SeeSpotRun (I can’t wait to register one of his kids as “See Spot’s Son”).

I, on the other hand, am a big fan of theme litters — that’s where each puppy in a litter gets a name that’s a play on the same theme. It lets absent minded people like me instantly remember which litter is which just based on each name, plus I like the fun of picking out names that are all part of the same over all idea.

For example, Sailor’s dad was El Torro’s Roch Voisine, so each of her eight siblings has a name playing on the ‘Roch’ theme – Roch the Boat, Roch E Mountains, Roch Lobster, etc.

I’ve also done ice creams, jazz musicians, herbs and Christmas related names.

There are a few themes, however, that I’m pretty sure Barb would put her foot down on, rather firmly. Herewith, my top thirteen list of theme named litters Barb would pitch a hissy fit over. In other words, don’t expect to see these on registration papers any time soon.

1. Hardcore Band Names

Personally, I think a puppy named Absolut Bullmarket Social Distortion would be pretty darned cute, but I’m guessing this is never going to happen. Maybe I can sneak in Husker Du, or Pixie(s) (of course, the jury is out on if they really qualify as ‘hard core’ but that’s splitting hairs).

2. Indie Movie Titles

Come on, admit it — Donnie Darko would make a great Frenchie name, and I could get him a little stuffed Frank the bunny toy to play with. I can even get him a ‘sparkle motion’ t-shirt. For a girl? Little Miss Sunshine. I could always push the boundary, and call one of them ‘Reservoir Dog’.

3. Bars I Got Drunk at in My Twenties

Well, it doesn’t have quite the cachet of a dog named “Duc D’Deluxe Monsignor Elegance”, but in my opinion ‘Bullmarket Absolut Vatikan‘ or Velvet Underground still have something of a ring to them. Probably not so much ‘Bullmarket Absolut Bovine Club‘, no matter how many celebrities have gotten plastered there over the years.

4. Urban Decay Eye Shadow Colors

In yet another nostalgic look back at the past, I’ve contemplated naming an entire litter after Urban Decay eye shadow colors, since I spent close to half my available income in my twenties snapping up every color they make. Lots of possibilities, too – ‘Acid Rain’, ‘Grifter’ or ‘Midnight Cowboy’ all have nice, show ring-esque rings to them.

5. Vodka Flavours

I’m not a vodka drinker, but the sheer amounts of vodka flavours out there are staggering. As a bonus plus, most of the flavored Vodkas are from Absolut! Bonus! Absolut Raspberri or Absolut Kurant Vodka seem custom made, or we could go with Effen Black Cherry Vodka. Or maybe not – I’m picturing trademark lawyers getting in on this…

6. Dead Poets Society

A litter of puppies, all named after dead poets! How romantic! How not so very cheerful. Sylvia Plath doesn’t inspire images of playful puppy antics, and I’m not sure I’d trust ‘Absolut Bullmarket Lord Byron‘ alone with the other puppies. Of either sex.

7. Dead Painters Society

I think I might well be able to slide this one past Barb, but only if I skip naming one ‘Van Gogh’. No one needs a Frenchie named after a one eared painter – that’s just inviting too much bad karma…

8. North America’s Worst Neighbourhoods

Again, this one would be kinda funny – Absolut Bullmarket Parkdale? Absolut Bullmarket Cabrini Green? No? Fine, be that way.

9. South Park Characters

On the one hand, this seems like a great idea, because South Park is one of my favorite shows (shut up, I know). Kyle and Kenny are perfectly fine names, and even Cartman isn’t that bad, especially if the puppy is both a miscreant and portly.

On the other hand, Cartman regularly dresses as Hitler, and I’m not sure the world is ready for a puppy named after Christmas poo, no matter how cute Absolut Bullmarket Mr Hanky would look on the registration papers.

10. Programming Languages

I happen to think there are some really cool opportunities for names within the world of programming languages. In fact, I already named a puppy ‘Perl’, which likely says more about me than even my fondness for South Park does. I remain, however, fairly convinced that not only would Barb object to a puppy named Bullmarket Absolut COBOL (let alone Fortran), but that I’d be reducing the dog to a life of getting slapped around at doggy day care. I am going to slip ‘Bullmarket Ruby on Rails‘ in there eventually, though. It’s just too good to resist.

11. Operating Systems

See above, with a side note that while Bullmarket Absolut Linux or Leopard would be adorable, I’d expect Vista to be clunky, unstable, an overeater and prone to crashing. Heh.

12. British Comedy Series

I fail to see how anyone could resist naming a puppy Absolut Bullmarket Monty Python, although even I draw the line at naming one Benny Hill.

Dave Allen would be awesome, though, but then you’d have to worry about the puppy losing a finger toe.

13. Rappers

My son would be in favor of this one – in fact, I’m pretty sure he’s suggested it once or twice. While I can see the lure of naming a puppy “Lil’ Bow Wow“, I’m afraid that the world is just not ready for Bullmarket Absolut Fiddy Cent to win at Westminster. Bullmarket Absolut P Diddy might do OK, but he’d want to change the name on his registration papers every other damn week.

(BTW, this post was inspired by Barb’s recent unhappiness at learning Dexter’s registered name is ‘Bullmarket Absolut Darkly Dexter‘.  Apparently, there’s an unspoken rule that one just doesn’t name ones puppies after serial killers, even fictional one. My explanation that the name fits because Dexter the puppy means to be good, but just can’t help occasionally being bad, didn’t really cut it)