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Hunting Dogs with a Flashlight

Tessa has been acting a little bit bonkers lately (I should, perhaps, clarify this to “A little more bonkers than usual”).

She’s always been a frequent pee-er, more so now in her old age, and getting up two or three times during the night to let her outside is now standard operating procedure for us. I can now get up, let her out, let her in, and stumble back into bed without ever really fully waking up.

The last few weeks, however, Tessa has been off her food, which has led to us feeding her more or less anything she wants. This, in turn, has led to her having the runs – specifically to her having the runs at 3 or 4 am, sometimes both, sometimes even more than that.

Like most Frenchies, Tessa is a shy pooper. She needs to know she’s someplace where no one else, dog or human, can see her going. This can usually be in the form of a bush or shrub, but last night, Tessa seemed inable to find just the right spot, with just the right amount of privacy, and so she hit the trail for what we refer to as some “Frenchie off roading”. That’s where she starts trucking across the yard, full speed ahead, even though she doesn’t really seem to have a destination in mind.

The problem, of course, was that she went off roading in the middle of the night – and our nights, up here away from the glow of cities and industry, are dark nights, especially when there’s no moon out. Last night was overcast, cloudy, and indigo dark. Anything outside the immediate pool of light from our porch was invisible and unseeable, and this including my little white French Bulldog, who was, if not heading for the hills, then at the very least heading for the spruce bush at the side of our property. Our bush is thick and tangled, leading down into a swampy area and from there into a shallow but fast moving stream, and Tessa was heading right for it.

I woke Sean out of a dead sleep by shreiking for him to find the flashlight, while I headed out in barefeet and housecoat to try and catch Tessa. Catching something you can no longer see is difficult at the best of times, and made worse when the dog you’re chasing can’t hear you.

Ten minutes of panic stricken searching, and there she was, looking cold and damp and decidely confused. I scooped her up, carried her into the house, and tucked her into bed. When she needed out again, two hours later, I let her out into the safely fenced downstairs yard. Tessa has lost off road privileges for good, it seems.

Peta STILL Kills Animals, and Tessa Goes to Dagestan

(A note: I am completely bogged down with work at the moment (and happily so, since nothing makes me more gleeful than new websites to muck around with!), so I am going to be blogging lightly and answering email tardily for the next week or so)

Looks like 2008 was another great year for animal murdering over at Peta HQ! Peta, who managed to adopt out 17 animals in 2007, have pushed that number down to just 7 in 2008.  Way to go, Peta! That’s an extra ten animals ‘saved’ from a life of servitude as a human companion!

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Zombies, Ice Cubes and Babushkas

What I want for Christmas - Shaun of the Dead Action Figure (with sound!!)

What I want for Christmas - Shaun of the Dead Action Figure (with sound!!)

Sean and I were watching one of our favorite movies last night, Shaun of the Dead, when I asked him to promise to chop my head if I ever get zombified. It’s just one of those things I’d like to know I’ve prepared for, in much the same way that I’ve made him promise never to leave me languishing in an iron lung for decades.

I’m not sure if they still use iron lungs, but ever since I read about some polio patient who lived inside one for like, a decade, I’ve had a dread of being stuck inside one. Ditto zombies, only not stuck inside one, of course, but rather eaten by a ravaging pack of them, which I suppose would eventually end up with me inside one, but not in quite the same way.

Sean instantly said he’d NEVER cut my head off, which I thought was very touching.

Instead, he said he’d chain me in the pool house with a stove and a well stocked pantry, in hopes my motor skill memories would kick in and I’d just start baking stuff out of force of habit. I told him that, in that case, I’d make damn sure to get bitten before him, so I could toss him to the first zombie horde I ran into and watch him get divvied up like chum at a shark feeding frenzy.

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Spring Ahead, Fall Back

Sorry for the abscence — I had sinus surgery last week, followed by a six foot snowfall that knocked out our internet service for days. The snowfall killed off my few measly attempts to nag Sean into getting us back on line, since I really couldn’t work up any enthusiasm for writing, reading or doing much of anything beyond napping and enjoying a pain killer induced fugue state.

Even worse than snow has been dealing with a re occurence of Tessa’s illness from last year. She’s again suffering from seizure like episodes where she becomes distressed and disoriented, falling down and walking in confused circles. Last year, we were told she had ‘idiopathic neuropathy’. This year, it’s ‘Old Dog Vestibular Disease‘ – a malfunction in the apparatus of her inner ear.  While her ‘incidents’ are sporadic, the effects are distressing to Tessa, and to us as we watch her suffer through them. Most painful is the fact that we can’t do anything to help – there is no treatment or cure for this condition. We’re told it’s just an ‘old dog’ thing, as if old dogs should be expected to suffer random, painful conditions on a semi regular basis. Right now, her good times far outweigh her bad times, but I sense in all of this a certain weighing up that will have to take place not too far off in the future, and I simply want to pull her onto my lap, and pull the covers over our heads, and pretend none of this is happening. Not very logical, but since when does love have to be logical?

All of the puppies but Heart have left us, and all of the puppies but Pixie – now re christened Daisy – are doing well. Daisy has suffered a traumatic reaction to one of her puppy shots, and we’re waiting for the rest of the data from her veterinary specialists at the moment. Since possible law suits are involved by us against certain manufacturers who should burn in hell for eternity, that’s about all I can say at the moment on the topic, other than that they should make plans to make this right, or I shall make plans to personally campaign for their ruination.

How far away is spring, do you think?

Vote for Tessa!

The following message is from Tessa, who is running as a representative in the upcoming elections.

She can't be worse than Stephen Harper

By now, of course, everyone is aware of the upcoming elections. As a French Bulldog and a patriot, I have to say that I feel I am more than fully qualified to be your candidate of choice.

After all, I am a mother – not once, not twice, not even five times, but 21 times. Yes, you read that right — 21 proud, flag waving offspring, in three litters. And hey, if multiple motherhood isn’t a qualification for running a country, how about the fact that I raised each and every one of them to fear the very sound of my nails tip tapping across the floor? That’s right, my offspring know the meaning of the word respect. In this house, only the big bitch gets the comfy cushions.

And forget Pit Bulls and lipstick — try weilding iron clad authority while wearing a feather boa, sparkly coat, and a collar covered in daisies. If you can wear all of that, and still make full grown male dogs roll over on their back and pee submissively, you can surely handle congress.

Yes, I’ve heard the arguments that I am ‘too old’ to lead the country (I’m looking at you, Bunny). Don’t think of me as old, however, think of me as ‘seasoned’ and ‘experienced’. Plus, a leader who naps is a leader with less time to pull the country into unseemly international incidents, unless you count that Poodle fiasco, which I still hold was entirely their own fault, and anyways no one ever proved that the gum was mine.

I am proposing the founding of a new party, a party forged in the unerring conviction that French Bulldogs, and Bull breeds in general, are deserving of a position of political power. No more will we be trampled in group competitions by walking topiaries with cult like hair cuts. No more will we suffer the injustices of losing out to stoopid pointy nosed dogs that prance like show ponies. No more will our comrades in arms, the Pit Bulls, the Staffies and the Am Staffs be forced to wear degrading muzzles, while Stephen Harper gets to wear Dockers. We will form a party dedicated to the concepts of liberty, justice, and quick trip to Mr. Clipper for any dog with a perm.

I proposed we name this party the “Super Awesome Coolest Dogs without Stupid Haircuts” party, but was out voted by my campaign adviser, Delilah, and have settled on calling ourselves “The RepublicatidemogreenRhino Party”. It should look swell on a T shirt. Our motto? “Better a Pit Bull in Power than a Hockey Mom in a Perm”.

So, vote for me, Tessa, for Prime Minister. After all, how much worse a job can a dog do in Ottawa than the morons who’re there already?