Fun With French Bulldog Scammers – Part Two

| Read part one of ‘Fun with Scammers’ |

So, when last we left our Nigerian scammer, he was apologizing for having inadvertently trying to sell me the same puppies a second time. Since I am both kind and forgiving, I sent him the following reply —

Dearest James –

I am sorry if I seemed harsh in my last email. It wasn’t on purpose. I am just sad because the insurance company finally sent me the check for my husband’s horrible combine related fatality, and for my arms being all chopped up. Now I can finally bury him, and get myself some of them wooden arm prospectives. So now I have money galore, just oodles of it, but still no teeny tiny French Bully Dogs, and no man around the house to kill bugs and such.

Thank goodness I still have the baby Jesus and his mom.

Are you sometimes sad too, James? Do you miss your wife? I bet you killed a lot of bugs for her, just like a real man should. I still want to buy your little French Bully Dogs but are you not going to miss them and be sadder? Maybe you should keep them. I don’t want you to be lonely just like me.

Maybe I shouldn’t send you my bank information. I have to pray on this.

Yours in lonely love of God

James is nothing if not chivalrous, and he got back to me within 24 hours –

Hello dearest one

Please dont be sad, as I am said I am your friend and a good christan like you. Yes I am lonley and will miss my puppys but I know you will love them like me. SO dear one please send your bank information to me as you said I know god would want this. For he doesnt want you lonley. Also maybe I can be more a special friend to you and maybe even marry? If you would like that? I would need money to come there I am not ILLINOIS yet but still here doing god’s work where my wife died. So I would need you send me some money to bring myself and my puppys to you.

Please send me

Your name:————————
Your Address:———————-
Your Day phone#:——————–
Nearest Airport:———————-
I will then need banking informtations as well.

warmest love,

James

Oh, swoony swoon! Now James needs money to send himself to me, along with the puppies! He wants to be my bug killing, combine avoiding husband.

I smell true love, or at any rate, something strong and stinky..

Dearest Jamesy Love Bunny,

My heart is finally full. I am so happy! We can be together – you and me and the puppies too! I will have a HUSBAND and some teeny tiny French Bully Dogs! Oh, God and Baby Jesus really DO love me! I was starting to wonder. I have to admit – I had started looking into becoming a Buddhist or something, because God just wasn’t coming through.

But now – go God!

I have always had a dream of being a Missionary’s wife, ever since I saw the wonderful movie called End of the Spear (except I don’t want you to die). How about I come there? I can sell my house and bring me and all my suitcases full of money there. We can be happy together. I love you. Do you love me?

Love you and God!

Uh oh, looks like James is getting fed up with me. Poor guy just wants me to send him $400, and now he’s got some crazy woman wanting to move to Nigeria. What gives? ‘Just send me the money, dammit’, you can almost hear him thinking.

My dearest

I am need to know now if you are serious about my puppys. I am not staying here for my mission work as I am tell you I am coming Illionios now for my working. Are you even serois now are not??? I am thinking yuou are just playing with me and now soon after my wife has died. I can come there but needing you to send me as the information I am ask!! Please send on to me finally now or I know you are not serios ever again!!!

Please send me

Your name:————————
Your Address:———————-
Your Day phone#:——————–
Nearest Airport:———————-
I will then need banking informtations as well.

still warmest love your friend,

James

James, James. You get angry, and all your nice guy routine goes right out the window, buddy. Isn’t the first rule of scamming to know when to quit and walk away?

James,

I think we are wrong for each other. I don’t think you are meant to be my bug killing husband hero after all. I have prayed on this and God has spoken to me and told me to go and endow a Buddhist monastery with my buckets full of money.

Unless you are willing to convert, and spend at least five years in a retreat with me, where we can contemplate life and the concept of karma, this just isn’t going to work out. An armless converted crazy Christian Buddhist and a Nigerian scammer just have too much going against them.

Whenever the winds cries in the trees, I’ll hear it speaking your name. It will sound like …”Puppy scammer, puppy scammer…”.

Adieu, my sweet.

Nothing since then, but I know James is still out there, trying to sell his phantom puppies, dreaming of the armless woman who could have been his wife.

I hope the thought of what he’s lost makes him sad…

Read Part One