Chicken Crossings, Dog Trainer Style

Pavlov:
we fed the chicken on the opposite side of the road each day at 4-pm until the chicken’s autonomic system actually began causing the chicken to cross the road at 4-pm without even questioning ‘why’.

B.F. Skinner:
on prior occasions when the chicken voluntarily crossed the road,this behavior was followed immediately by a reinforcing consequence.

Barbara Woodhouse:
You just say, ‘Walkies’ with the right accent and place a crumpet on the far side.

Karen Pryor:
Associating R+ with road crossing and P- with standing still, with a VR schedule, and offering a reward in keeping with the Premack principle, we increased the intensity and frequency of the road crossing behavior.

Bill Koehler:
a few well-timed pops on the choke chain and the chicken was happy to cross the road.

Nicholas Dodman:
I gave the chicken fluoxetine, sertraline, paroxetine, carbamazepine, and azapirone, and then it was happy to cross the road.

Patti Ruzzo:
I crossed the road, pausing every step to spit a treat out of my mouth like a human pez-dispenser, and the chicken followed along catching the treats…

Electric Collar Advocate:
Whenever the chicken does not cross the road I give it an electric shock. But do not worry, the shock is no more than you would feel if you walked on a carpet wearing socks, and does not bother the chicken at all. The feathers standing up and the smell of burning flesh mean nothing. In fact, they are happier having nice clear communication than they would be otherwise.

Yuppie:
Chickens are just like little people in feather jackets, and if you love them and give them diamonds and feel sorry for them all the time, they will be happy to cross the road for you.

Paris Hilton:
Because I put it in a Gucci bag and carried it. (giggle)

Kill Shelter director:
Any chickens that do not cross the road will be euthanized for their own good, and the others we will adopt-out tomorrow for only $200 each. Please send us money so we can keep doing more of this important work!

No Kill Shelter Director:

We’re open from 8 am to 8 pm,  seven days per week,  to better help all chickens get homes. No need to cross the road – we and the needy chickens will cross the road to get to. Chicken crossing donations are based on ability to pay, and you receive a free one pound sack of chicken feed with every chicken you help cross the road.

HSUS member:
I do not know anything about animals, I have never been around animals and am not really fond of animals, but we passed a law mandating that chickens be kept without cages because animals belong only in the wild and cannot be happy coexisting with man, so now they are walking wherever they want.

PETA member:
Chickens have the right to live in world without roads. Any chicken that lives within a hundred miles of a road is suffering an inhumane existence and might eventually be hit by a car, so we should kill it today to ensure that it does not die tomorrow.