Charges Against Michael Bryant Dropped

In a shocking (but barely surprising) decision, the Crown has decided to drop all charges against Ontario’s former Attorney General, Michael Bryant. Bryant came to fame in Ontario when he masterminded the mass destruction of Ontario’s Pit Bulls, Staffordshire Bull Terriers, and vaguely Pittie looking short coated dogs of indeterminate heritage.

From the Globe and Mail:

Mr. Bryant was charged last September with criminal negligence causing death and dangerous driving in the death of bike courier Darcy Allan Sheppard.

Police alleged Mr. Sheppard, 33, died after grabbing onto a car in downtown Toronto following an altercation with the driver.

Michael Bryant at his Tuesday afternoon press conference, where he announced the conditions of his charges being dropped.

In a sweetheart deal, Bryant has agreed to the following terms and conditions – he will be muzzled at all times when out in public, and he will wear a shirt which clearly designates him as a “potentially dangerous driver”.

An additional clause, requiring Bryant to be castrated, was downgraded to Bryant agreeing to become a member of the Green Party. Bryant, who insisted he’d prefer sterilization, had to be grabbed with a catch pole and subdued by taser when he attempted to throttle Special Prosecutor Richard Peck.

“I’d rather be ball-less than be a Prius driving hippie vegan!”, Bryan was heard to shout before being loaded in the back of an OSPCA van.

OSPCA representatives have insisted that rumors Bryant contracted ringworm while in their care are merely speculation, but agreed that it’s entirely possible someone did kick him the ribs. By accident. Twice.

At a press conference later that day, Bryant said:

“As for the justice system, I now have a unique perspective on how ‘potentially dangerous’ animals are treated, and I have to say, that treatment is completely ridiculous. I mean, come on – if I was still AG, I would have had me ‘humanely’ put to sleep, or at the very least shipped out of the province. This new guy is a complete pussy.

“Also, I think this new t-shirt looks quite slimming on me, and I’ve met a ton of new friends down on Church street when I’m out and about wearing my muzzle. So, suck it, Ontario – Michael Bryant is still free to roam your streets off lead, which is more than you can say for your dogs.

“Oh, and Vote Green Party.”