Der Tod ist gross

“Der Tod ist gross,” writes Rilke. “Death is huge.” But various psychologists deny that it as huge as all that when it is an animal who is mourned. I have read statistically studded reassurances that mourning for a cat lasts at most one month, for a dog three. I have read that when an animal dies there are no regrets, no rehearsal of the wail “If only I had …,” and also that the splendid thing about animals, what is said to make them so convenient to our hearts, like anti-depressants, is that when we mourn them we are only mourning a personal loss and not “the loss of life and potential,” according to ‘Between Pets and People’, by Professors Beck and Katcher, authorities on all of this at the University of Pennsylvania.

This is way that psychological authorities talk – “Eventually an animal can be replaced,” they write in their books – but that is not how the experts talk. I realize that psychologists and suchlike are generally understood to be experts, but I have met none who were experts in the various ways my good Gunner’s work with scent developed, especially when he began scenting out the human heart. Of course, I am just a dog trainer. My thinking, such as it is, I learned from the animals, for whom happiness is usually a matter of getting the job done. Clear that fence, fetch in those sheep, move those calves, win that race, find that guy, retrieve that bird. The happiness of animals is also ideologically unsound, as often as not, or at least it is frequently wanting in propriety, as when your dog rolls in something awful on his afternoon walk or your cat turns off your answering machine.

In over a quarter of a century of dog training I have never met an animal who turned out to be replaceable. Dick Koehler says, “Hell, even trees are irreplaceable, but we don’t know it, and that is our loss.” The loss the dog trainer has in mind is the loss of eternity, as for Wittgenstein put it, “Denn lebt er ewig, der in der Gegenwart lebt.” “So he lives forever, who lives in the present,” wrote the philosopher, and this is how the animals live, in the present, which is why the experts’ difficult and apparently harsh advice, advice they occasionally take themselves, is: “Another dog, same breed, as soon as possible.” Not because another dog of the same breed will be the same, but because that way you can pick up somewhere near where you left off, say that you have it in you.

Vicki Hearne, “Oyez a Beaumont” in ‘Animal Happiness’

“Hark to Beaumont. Softly, Beaumont, mon amy. Oyez à Beaumont the valiant. Swef, le douce Beaumont, swef, swef.”

T.H. White, The Once and Future King

Harken to Stone, that good dog, that valiant dog, who fought to the end, never complaining, never slowing, not til the very end. I think because he knew that he was needed, that there are only so many sorrows a heart can hold before it reaches the breaking point.

He was, above all, such a good dog. All of the things people say when they call a dog ‘good’ – valiant, kind to smaller animals, stoic, sweet natured, polite. All of the things that left little space for him, at times, when living in the shadows of a bigger dog. His loss is no less huge, however, and neither is the hole he leaves behind. I bred him, but it’s not my hole – it belongs to the one person who loved him above all else.

Swef, le douce Stone.

Harken to Targ, Jennifer’s heart dog, lost too soon, and missed just as much. Swef, le douce Targ.

One Year Ago Today

Ellie on the Water

Ellie sits on the bookshelf in my living room, or part of her does, at least. She sits on the shelf where I keep some of my favorite dog books. “Animal Happiness” by Vicki Hearne, “Old Yeller” (a second edition, no less), “Nops Trials”, “Dogs in Poetry”. She is in good company there, and I can see her when I sit and read. I like being able to look up and know she’s there, unobtrusive as always and just occasionally asking you to spare her a bit of time. Ever content with what little bits of time you can spare her, that was my Ellie.

We did indeed spread her ashes at Cherry Beach, setting her free on the waves, licking around the feet of silly wet puppies, brushing against the coats of diligent Goldens, barely disturbing the concentration of a frisbee mad standard Poodle. She is, perhaps, a part of them all now, part of the Lake and the sand and the plants she ran through. Part of her favorite place.

I didn’t write about it before, couldn’t write about it until now. I couldn’t put down in writing “And then we spread her ashes on the water”, because as anyone knows, when it’s written it becomes true. And I wasn’t ready for it to be true yet.

At the last minute, as Sean was spreading her, I told him to stop. I told him I wanted to keep part of her. He was puzzled, because I had been so adamant about letting her go free. I told him I needed part of her, that I couldn’t let all of her go. So we saved part of her, even though I know the best of her has long since floated off – across the lake, or wherever benevolent spirits like hers finally go.

Part of her though, is still here at home with me, along with her memory, which I keep close at hand always.

All of My Beautiful Dogs Are Dying
– Vicki Hearne

. . . Without the beautiful dogs
No one dares to attend to desire;

The sky retreats, will intend nothing,
It is a ceiling to rebuke the gaze,
Mock the poetry of knowledge.

My death is my last acquiescence;
Theirs is the sky’s renunciation,
Proof that the world is a scattered shame

Littering the heavens. The new dogs
Start to arise, but the sky must go
Deeply dark before the stars appear.

A Memorial for Ellie

Ellie at Cherry Beach in 2006If you are in the Toronto area, you are invited to join us this coming Sunday while we say good bye to our sweet baby girl.

Sean and I have decided to scatter her ashes over Lake Ontario from the point at Cherry Beach. This was Ellie’s favorite place in the world, and we can’t think of anywhere she’d rather spend eternity. When we would drive towards the park entrance, her excitement level would grow until she was literally yipping with anticipation, and this in a dog who rarely got excited about much of anything.

We will be there sometime late morning/early afternoon. Anyone interested in joining us is asked to drop me an email for exact time and meeting location.

By the way, we are saving enough of her ashes to make a small memorial necklace for both Sean and I, so she can sit as close to our hearts forever as she did throughout her life.

Carol

It's never enough time…

I have a number of things to write about, since a lot has happened in the two weeks I’ve been off line, but nothing more important that this – we have lost Ellie, our special girl, and the light of Sean’s life.

Ellie was a special dog from the very beginning. An illness during the final stage of Sailor’s pregnancy left Ellie somewhat addled at birth. She was small, and had a hard time thriving. Barb hung in there, though, and Ellie made it through well enough for us to go and pick her up. Sean was ambivalent – he’d never had a dog of his own before, and Tessa was the first one he’d ever lived with. He was a cat person, and wasn’t sure what to make of the indifferent little brindle mite who refused to even come over and sniff his hand.

During the seven hour drive home, Ellie huddled in the back of her crate glaring at us, and Sean asked me mildly “Is she ever going to come near us?”. I explained that some dogs need more patience than others, and shortly after we arrived home, he made it his goal to get Ellie to love him.

Unlike other French Bulldogs, Ellie was indifferent towards affection. She loved Tessa, staying close to her and sleeping curled into her side. People were a different story. She barely tolerated Sean and I, and would skitter away from us if we tried to pet her. We felt like negligent pet owners, and laughed it off when she ran wide circles around anyone who approached her at the dog park. “She’s just not that in to people” we’d explain. Ellie had a fine sense of dignity, and never once willingly let a stranger pat her on the head. She insisted on her own personal space, and we learned to let her sit her own limits on interaction.

Eventually, Ellie learned to love us, by which time we, of course, were head over heels about her. She’s sidle up to you and butt your hand with her head, which meant “Scratch my ears”. She’d perch on your lap, tentatively, never settling down enough to really get comfortable. Still, she loved us, in her own way.

We knew she wasn’t going to be with us for forever. We even knew she wasn’t going to be with us for long. What we didn’t realize is that even the knowing of that doesn’t prepare you for the loss you feel when they go. Logic can tell you that time is short, but our hearts don’t rely on logic, and there just wasn’t enough time with Ellie.

There’s never enough time.

Bullmarket Absolut Elliemental
June 21st, 2004 – April 11th, 2008