Cats Versus Dogs (old, but still good)
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary:
6:00 am – At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm – They’re home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe —for now…
13 Questions To Ask After Reading Kijiji Ads…
Kijiji is sort of a glossier version of Craigslist, an updated, on line version of the Buy N Sell newspapers and Pennysavers. Owned by eBay, it (unlike smarter and more politically attuned Craiglist) allows live animal sales ads, and it is chock full of puppeez for sail ads.
Here are thirteen questions that occurred to me after reading through Kijiji puppy for sale ads…
For sail..Daxshund / Shizoo / Dalmashun / Puddle / Mastife Puppy
If you’re going to breed, shouldn’t one of the very basic things you know about the dogs be how to spell their proper breed name?
Comes with papers. Has papers. Papered. Extra if you want papers
Papers, papers, papers. Every other freakin’ ad talks about papers – although what kind of papers, exactly, we don’t know for sure. Newspapers? Mongrel Association of America papers? Wallpapers? Who knows. Who cares?
“linebreeded mother to father has show chance”
Line breeded? Mother to father? What in holy hell are they thinking?
Oh, right. They’re not thinking – they’re just turning them loose in the yard and hoping for a litter. Which they got. And ‘show chance’? Sure, why not? I bet they take the Gardens next year.
After all, nothing says “Best in Show potential” like an in bred litter of yard raised dawgs.
“Yorkiepoos – Super cute! 6 weeks old ready to go home with you! “
What?
No! No, they not ready to go home at six weeks old. They’re not ready to go anyplace, not even to the vet’s for their first shots.
Oh, but there’s me, assuming you’re selling them with shots. Not a chance, is there?
“Imported French Bull pups from champion line”
French Bull pups? Is this some sort of weird Charolais/canine hybrid? Because otherwise, we’re back to that question up top about not selling or breeding what you cannot spell.
And speaking of French Bull pups for sale ads…
“Imported European lined French Bulldogs. We import from Europe, as this ensures healthy pets”
Really? All I’ve needed to be doing all these years in order to insure healthy, genetically sound French Bulldogs is import them from Europe? Just any old place, and any old breeder, and they’ll magically be sound, healthy dogs? Wow, that’s way easier than all the pesky health testing I’ve been doing.
I suppose all those sick, temperamentally unsound adult European imports that keep turning up at rescue are just anomalies or something.
“Adorable Frenchtons – Boston and French Bulldog cross pupps!!”
Why, why, why? Why do this? Frenchies have health problems. Bostons have health problems. Why combine them into one seething morass of potential issues. Plus, just – why? If you like Bostons, get a Boston. If you like Frenchies, get a Frenchie. Just pick one, dammit, don’t screw up two breeds at once.
“Trendy adorable Puggles for sale!”
See above, plus – What’s the point of this?
Here we have a Pug.
Small, wrinkled, flat faced, snuffly, cute, dim witted. Adorable, too, of course – I love Pugs, black ones in particular, but they are a creature as far apart from a hunting breed as you can get.
There we have a Beagle.
Compact, athletic, muscular, bred to run, bred to bay, bred to scent, bred to hunt (but not much else).
Combine the two, and what do you get?
The puggle – a mixture of the worst from both.
First off, they’re ugly. Sorry, but it’s true. This is one F.U.G.L.Y. cross breed. Also, congratulations – now you’ve got a dog that wants to run away from home, but is too stupid to figure out how to get back. Pointless as a lap dog, worthless as a hunting dog, and soon to overwhelm rescues and shelters across North America.
Oh, and here’s one to make Terrierman‘s head explode – that would be a “Jug puppy” – that’s a cross between a Jack Russel, and a Pug.
Why would someone (sane) do this, you ask? Because the offspring will apparently be “HEALTHY LIKE JACK RUSSELL AND CUTE LIKE PUG”.
Or so the ad said, at least.
“Pure breaded Golden Retriver”
It’s breaded? You rolled it in bread crumbs and deep fried it? Oh, you meant pure bred. Now we just need to figure out what the hell a retriver is. Oh, you mean Retriever…
“Pure breaded (ahem) Doberman stud dog. Can breed to any bitch. $200 or pick of the litter”
No mention of testing, titles or temperaments – how could anyone say no to using this dapper fellow on their bitch? Plus, you get to do all the work of whelping and raising the puppies, then hand him over your ‘pick’. And so the cycle continues.
“For saile lovely large Cane Corso mastiff girl, she is very nice tempered and a good gaurd. Needs space to roam. Loves our kids. Will trade for Jack Rusel or other small dog. “
Wonderful. You are giving away your ‘roaming’, intact Cane Corso bitch. First off, why does it need space to ‘roam’? Is it a gypsy (sorry, Romany) Corso? Does it have ‘wandering feet’? It doesn’t need to roam – it needs a securely fenced yard.
And of course you want to get another dog, and have chosen the JRT, a dog that most sane and above average pet owners aren’t equipped to deal with, let alone an irresponsible goof like you.
Plus, nice lesson to teach the kids – when we tire of our toys, we throw them away and get new ones.
“TeaCup Yorkies/Poms/Poodles/Doxies”
Teacup? Is that the code word du jour for ‘will have life long health problems’ or ‘is hydrocephalic’? One thing it certainly is code for, for sure – bad breeder.
“Cute, adorable, non shedding Frenchie pups!”
Cute? yes. Adorable? absolutely. Non shedding? Did you shave them bald? Are you blind? Do you not see the floating, house wide cloud of fine hairs they leave in their wake, and on your clothes? Have you ever looked under your furniture?
Non shedding? Please, share your secret formula with me, the one that gets you magically non shedding Frenchies, because last week I spent two hours outside using the Furminator on my dogs, and there’s a pile of undercoat out there the size of a LabradoodleMastifeRetriver.
Are French Bulldog Colors Making You Blue?
If things get slow on the French Bulldog mailing lists, there’s a sure fire way to perk things up – color! Any conversation about color is almost assured of devolving into a rousing bout of name calling and ‘so’s yer mother’, which certainly can pick things up on a dull day.
For true excitement, however, we need to talk about the red headed step child of the French Bulldog world – Blue French Bulldogs. Few things can cause more heated exchanges of opinion than the topic of Blue (aka Mouse, aka Dilute, aka Devil Dogs).
Are they a DQ? ‘DQ’ is dog club speak for ‘disqualification’, in this case a disqualification based on color. The dog can still be registered with the AKC, and can still be bred from or bred to, but they cannot be shown. The issue varies with other National Clubs, but Blue or Mouse is not a recognized color by any national club that I’m aware of.
Should people be breeding them? If so, should they still be allowed to be club members?
Do you love them? Hate them? Love their coat colors, hate their yellowish eyes?
Is it time for the FBDCA to address the issue of Blue, once and for all?
Whatever your opinion on the subject, I’ve created a short survey intended to give me an over view of how the general public feels on the topic. I’ll be publishing the results publicly in the next day or two.
For those of you who think that Blues are starting to get a little bit boring, why not step up your game and go Plaid? That’s right, Plaid French Bulldogs are here!
Some background:
Plaid French Bulldogs are the most super awesomest dogs alive today.
We found a rare colony of Plaid French Bulldogs living in an abandoned Chanel warehouse in France, and hired the best Frenchie wranglers in the world to round them up and bring them to North America.
We have devoted ourselves to breeding only the very finest in Plaid French Bulldogs. We select our dogs based on the depth of their pigment, the thickness of their plaid markings, and their exclusive ‘Greenie Glow’ eye color. You won’t find a better Plaidie anyplace in the world.
Genetics are important to us at Plaid French Bulldogs. Each one has been DNA certified as an authentic, 100% pure canine, with zero feline blood. We ensure our dogs are healthy by giving them annual flu shots. As well, we strive to remove genetic defects from our dogs by only breeding the ones that have four legs.
Plaid French Bulldogs require a specialized diet of Pate De Foie Gras, blue rare filet mignon, Mahi Mahi filets and Cherrystone Oysters on the half shell (hold the horseradish). Only the world’s most elite owners can afford to own a ‘Plaidie’.