Fun With French Bulldog Scammers – Part Two

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| Read part one of ‘Fun with Scammers’ |

So, when last we left our Nigerian scammer, he was apologizing for having inadvertently trying to sell me the same puppies a second time. Since I am both kind and forgiving, I sent him the following reply —

Dearest James –

I am sorry if I seemed harsh in my last email. It wasn’t on purpose. I am just sad because the insurance company finally sent me the check for my husband’s horrible combine related fatality, and for my arms being all chopped up. Now I can finally bury him, and get myself some of them wooden arm prospectives. So now I have money galore, just oodles of it, but still no teeny tiny French Bully Dogs, and no man around the house to kill bugs and such.

Thank goodness I still have the baby Jesus and his mom.

Are you sometimes sad too, James? Do you miss your wife? I bet you killed a lot of bugs for her, just like a real man should. I still want to buy your little French Bully Dogs but are you not going to miss them and be sadder? Maybe you should keep them. I don’t want you to be lonely just like me.

Maybe I shouldn’t send you my bank information. I have to pray on this.

Yours in lonely love of God

James is nothing if not chivalrous, and he got back to me within 24 hours –

Hello dearest one

Please dont be sad, as I am said I am your friend and a good christan like you. Yes I am lonley and will miss my puppys but I know you will love them like me. SO dear one please send your bank information to me as you said I know god would want this. For he doesnt want you lonley. Also maybe I can be more a special friend to you and maybe even marry? If you would like that? I would need money to come there I am not ILLINOIS yet but still here doing god’s work where my wife died. So I would need you send me some money to bring myself and my puppys to you.

Please send me

Your name:————————
Your Address:———————-
Your Day phone#:——————–
Nearest Airport:———————-
I will then need banking informtations as well.

warmest love,

James

Oh, swoony swoon! Now James needs money to send himself to me, along with the puppies! He wants to be my bug killing, combine avoiding husband.

I smell true love, or at any rate, something strong and stinky..

Dearest Jamesy Love Bunny,

My heart is finally full. I am so happy! We can be together – you and me and the puppies too! I will have a HUSBAND and some teeny tiny French Bully Dogs! Oh, God and Baby Jesus really DO love me! I was starting to wonder. I have to admit – I had started looking into becoming a Buddhist or something, because God just wasn’t coming through.

But now – go God!

I have always had a dream of being a Missionary’s wife, ever since I saw the wonderful movie called End of the Spear (except I don’t want you to die). How about I come there? I can sell my house and bring me and all my suitcases full of money there. We can be happy together. I love you. Do you love me?

Love you and God!

Uh oh, looks like James is getting fed up with me. Poor guy just wants me to send him $400, and now he’s got some crazy woman wanting to move to Nigeria. What gives? ‘Just send me the money, dammit’, you can almost hear him thinking.

My dearest

I am need to know now if you are serious about my puppys. I am not staying here for my mission work as I am tell you I am coming Illionios now for my working. Are you even serois now are not??? I am thinking yuou are just playing with me and now soon after my wife has died. I can come there but needing you to send me as the information I am ask!! Please send on to me finally now or I know you are not serios ever again!!!

Please send me

Your name:————————
Your Address:———————-
Your Day phone#:——————–
Nearest Airport:———————-
I will then need banking informtations as well.

still warmest love your friend,

James

James, James. You get angry, and all your nice guy routine goes right out the window, buddy. Isn’t the first rule of scamming to know when to quit and walk away?

James,

I think we are wrong for each other. I don’t think you are meant to be my bug killing husband hero after all. I have prayed on this and God has spoken to me and told me to go and endow a Buddhist monastery with my buckets full of money.

Unless you are willing to convert, and spend at least five years in a retreat with me, where we can contemplate life and the concept of karma, this just isn’t going to work out. An armless converted crazy Christian Buddhist and a Nigerian scammer just have too much going against them.

Whenever the winds cries in the trees, I’ll hear it speaking your name. It will sound like …”Puppy scammer, puppy scammer…”.

Adieu, my sweet.

Nothing since then, but I know James is still out there, trying to sell his phantom puppies, dreaming of the armless woman who could have been his wife.

I hope the thought of what he’s lost makes him sad…

Read Part One

Fun With French Bulldog Scammers – Part One

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Like everyone else on the world wide interwebs, I’ve received my fair share of ‘Millionaire wants to give you his money’ and ‘Say, can I send you a $20,000 check for that $2,000 puppy?’ emails. I just mark them as spam, and delete them, since there’s not much payoff in playing with them, and answering them usually just gets your name and email address put on to a ‘try this gullible knucklehead’ list.

That said, few things piss me off more than phantom puppy scammers – those evil jerks who invent cheap puppies that they ‘must sell’ due to death in the family, or their ‘missionary’ work in Africa. Yes, I know that they prey on the cheap – but they also prey on the naive, and those who truly do want to do some good.

So, with time on my hands and a chip on my shoulder, I was in just the right mood when the following email came to my inbox –

Hello there

My name is mr James Blue i want to use this oppourtunity to inform you that i do have some bulldog 2 female and two male available for sale at the price of $400 and i want you to know that due to my new job i am very busy so i am looking for someone to buy them and who will take care of them as i always do,show them love and each of them cost $400 including shipping fee.They are AKC registered, Age 7-8 weeks old, they weighed 3-4lbs ,healthy and their shots are given up to date.All their papers will accompany them and will be shipped along with each of them. I am on a business trip right now because I just secured a new job here in ILLINOIS and i have to take the puppies along with me since my Wife died and i have moved out due to my new job and transfer to ILLINOIS and the puppies are here with me, so if you are still interested I can arrange for the shipping from here thought a shipping agent to Delivery to your nearest airport or home and they will be shipped along with all their

bath and toys,food sample,and dog kits. Also email me the follow details below for delivery purpose.

Your name:————————
Your Address:———————-
Your Day phone#:——————–
Nearest Airport:———————-
Await your response.
Regards.
James

My first response –

WOW, this sounds super. Why not send me a photo of them? I’d really be interested. Are they black and tan ones? I love black and tan ones most of all, don’t you?

Gosh, so sorry about your wife. That’s terrible. Were they her dogs? How did she die? Do you live in Illinois? I love Illinois. I might move there, and then we can be friends! I will pray for you and for your dogs. Do you think we could be friends?

Your friend,

Carol

James apparently does want to be my friend. Yay for friends! And look, he sent me pictures.

Hello,


Thanks for your interest in my puppies, i do have 2 female and 1 male French bulldog and i want to inform you that i have attach the pic of the available French bulldog for sale, due to my job i am very busy so i am looking for someone who will buy them and take care of them as i always do,show them love and each of them cost $400 including shipping fee.They are AKC registered, Age 7-8 weeks old, they weighed 1.5-1.8lbs, healthy and their shots are given up to date.All their papers will accompany them and will be shipped along with each of them. I am on a business trip right now because I just secured a new job here in Illinois and i have to take the puppies along with me since my Wife had died and i have moved out due to my new job and transfer to Illinois ,so if you are still interested I can arrange for the shipping from here via next day Delivery to your home and they will be shipped along with all their bath and a brand new crates, toys,food sample,and dog kits.

Also email me the follow details below for delivery purpose.

Your name:————————
Your Address:———————-
Your Day phone#:——————-
Nearest Airport:——————–

Await your response.

Here are the photos James attached to this email –

tan.jpg diamond.jpg tipsy.jpg

Do you get the impression James is not trying overly hard to fool me?

Either that, or he’s too stupid to realize that not even someone as dumb as I’m try ever so hard to seem could mistake that black masked fawn boy for a seven week old puppy.

And 1.8 pounds? At seven weeks? Jeez, if you’re trying to get a total stranger on the interwebs to send you some money, you’d think you could at least be bothered to do some basic research. If there’s anything I hate more than a scammer, it’s a lazy ass scammer.

At any rate, here’s my response –

Wow, those are really cute puppies. That Diamond sure is big for seven weeks! I guess the camera really does add a few pounds. About the other two – 1.8 pounds at seven weeks! How exciting! Are they those rare miniature French Bulldogs, the ones who stay tiny all the time? It would be super if they are! I would pay WAY more than $4oo for some super tiny ones.

But, I’m being rude here – how are you doing? It must be hard with your wife dead. I am praying for you and your cute dogs super hard. I want to be your friend. We could pray together! I lost my husband, too. He fell in our combine. I tried to pull him out, but the combine ate my arms. Sometimes I think baby Jesus has a hate on for me. But I keep praying!

I think you can be my new friend. I won’t ever let you near the combine, if you become my friend. Just in case.

Tell you what, I’ll come there and pick the dogs up. I think you said you’re in Illinois? I’ll be there next week! Is it OK if I bring you cash? Ever since I lost my arms in that combine accident it’s hard for me to fill out credit card forms. Or you could just bring them here and we could go to my bank together and get the money out. I trust you, because you are my friend. Maybe I should just send you my bank information.

Yours in the Lord!

Well, here’s where it gets interesting. James suddenly sends me another email, identical to his very first one. This time, he signs it ‘Eliot’.

I respond with –

Eliot! Why are you trying to sell James’s puppies? YOU MUST BE SOME SORT OF SCAMMER! James already said I can buy those puppies! I hate you and so does Baby Jesus you scammer! I am going to write to James and tell on you RIGHT NOW! I am not sending James any money until this is all straightened out!

God bless.

Haha! Poor James. It’s hard juggling all those multiple email accounts and names, and making sure you don’t try to double scam the same sucker (that would be me).

Conciliatory, he responds almost immediately with –

Hello my friend,


So sorry for this mistake which I am vry saddned by and want to let you know not to fear this is my brother is also trying to help with the selling of the puppiues for me. He made a mistake and ia am just to tell you not to be sad dear. I am still your friend and want very much for you to buy these puppie from me. Which includes crate papers toys bath etc in exchange for you to love them just like I am. I can send the puppie to you for $400 eah from ILLUIONOIS as soon as sending Western Unoin payment.

Also please still email me the follow details below for delivery purpose.

Your name:————————
Your Address:———————-
Your Day phone#:——————-
Nearest Airport:——————–

Await your response, your friend James.

Awww! He called me dear!

| Read Part Two of Fun With Scammers |

Thursday Thirteen – 13 useful tools for grooming a French Bulldog

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I’ve limited this to the things I use over and over again – if not on a daily basis, at least with some regularity. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

Zoom Groom
1. Rubber Curry

This thing is just about the best item I’ve ever used for getting rid of loose hair and pet dander. I use it in between furminator-ing the dogs, when their coats just need a regular brushing. I also use it in the tub, while I’m bathing them, to spread shampoo and conditioner through their coats. I personally like the Zoom Groom, but almost any basic rubber curry will do.

Furminator

2. Furminator

Yes, I’m a convert to the holy church of Furminator, amen. This is the best thing since sliced bread for removing dead hair from the sleek coat of a Frenchie (and if you didn’t know Frenchies shed, you obviously don’t own one yet). A caveat – use it gently, because over vigorous use can scrape skin and break coat.

Blunt tipped scissors

3. Blunt tipped scissors

This is all I use for trimming ear hairs, whiskers and stray hairs on the tail. It can’t cut them, and it doesn’t freak them out like the sound and vibration of clippers.

Nail Trimmers

4. Guillotine Nail Trimmers

The basic old stand by – for when I’m too lazy to pull out the dremel. No matter how many fancy shmancy new nail trimmers come on the market, this is the one I come back to.

Dremel Nail Grinder
5. Dremel Nail Grinder

For show ring short nails, you really need a Dremel. Nothing else can get a French Bulldog’s nails short enough, without bleeding. I suggest that novices get either a groomer or their breeder to show them how to use this, and that you introduce your dog to it as young as possible. Peronsally, I use the corded model – as much as the cord free design is convenient, the dead battery part is a pain in the neck, and a distinct possibility when doing nails on multiple dogs. However, a single dog household would likely prefer to get the cordless model.

Bio Groom Sure Clot
6. Styptic Powder

Unfortunately, there will almost always be nail trimming incidents from time to time, and that means bleeding. I like the Sure Clot powder from Bio Groom, but in a pinch good old ‘Kwik Stop’ will also do the trick. I’ve never had much luck with the pens, gels or liquids.

Baby Wipes

7. Baby Wipes

I use unscented, thick baby wipes for loads of things – wiping down faces, getting loose hair and dander off of coats, wiping down muddy paws, shining up coat just before entering the ring, the dreaded butt danglies wipe off, and general ‘eww, what the heck did you get into?’ maintenance. You can get fancy ones made just for pets, but anything gentle enough for a baby’s bum is probably fine for your Frenchie’s skin and coat.

Desitin
8. Zinc Ointment

Another product made for human babies, but useful on Frenchies. I use zinc ointment on those Frenchies who are prone to skin fold irritations. Skin fold irritations, just like diaper rash, are usually caused by moisture being trapped in creases in the skin. Zinc ointment protects skin and hair from moisture. I clean the folds with witch hazel, then slather on zinc ointment in the folds, resulting in a dog that seems to be wearing camo face paint. Added bonus – the other dogs get to try to lick it off. I prefer Desitin’s formula, which has as pleasant scent.
Witch hazel

9. Witch Hazel

This gentle liquid is what I dab on cotton balls and use to clean skin folds on faces. I use the Organic formula made by Humphrey’s Organic. Whichever brand you use, make SURE it’s rubbing alcohol free.

Diamond Eye Tear Stain Remover

10. Diamond Eyes

The big guns for getting rid of tear stains. For severe cases, I clip and then apply twice daily. It’s the only thing I’ve ever found that actually works. I use it in conjunction with daily wipe downs, and in between using zinc ointment. Oh, and yes – I’ve used Angel Eye powdered food additive, and no – it didn’t work for me.

B&B ShampooB&B Conditioner

11 & 12. Bumble & Bumble Shampoo and Conditioner

OK, maybe it seems excessive to use anything this luxurious on your pet, but hello? These are French Bulldogs we’re talking about here, so don’t they deserve a little luxe in their lives? Besides, Bumble and Bumble’s Gentle shampoo is baby safe, smells great, and leaves coats shining like silk. Their super rich conditioner leaves coats smooth, soft and dander free, and is great for winter. I also have used half strength body wash – any gentle brand, although I prefer Lush. For showing, I use the John Frieda line for colored hair – their Blonde Shampoo and color glaze leave creams positively glistening. I don’t think it’s gentle enough for regular use, however.

grooming table

13. Pet grooming table

This might seem excessive, but even single pet owners will find that once they’ve groomed on a proper table, there’s no going back to flimsy substitutes. The surface is non slip, the height on a good table is adjustable, and you can reach your dog from all angles. Prices on folding models tend to be reasonable, and a decent quality table will last for a lifetime, so it’s a good investment.

A Memorial for Ellie

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Ellie at Cherry Beach in 2006If you are in the Toronto area, you are invited to join us this coming Sunday while we say good bye to our sweet baby girl.

Sean and I have decided to scatter her ashes over Lake Ontario from the point at Cherry Beach. This was Ellie’s favorite place in the world, and we can’t think of anywhere she’d rather spend eternity. When we would drive towards the park entrance, her excitement level would grow until she was literally yipping with anticipation, and this in a dog who rarely got excited about much of anything.

We will be there sometime late morning/early afternoon. Anyone interested in joining us is asked to drop me an email for exact time and meeting location.

By the way, we are saving enough of her ashes to make a small memorial necklace for both Sean and I, so she can sit as close to our hearts forever as she did throughout her life.

Carol

Delilah is French for "Devil Dog"

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It’s quite possible that Delilah wins the ‘weirdest French Bulldog ever‘ award, or at least the award for ‘weirdest French Bulldog ever owned or known by me‘ award.

First of all, she still will not come all the way down the stairs. This is not because she’s incapable of it (unlike Dexter, who’s so large in the head that walking downhill causes him to tumble in a slinky-like fashion).

Our stair routine goes something like this –

The stairs from our basement are open at about the half way mark. Delilah, who has no issues going up the stairs, will only come down as far as the opening on the stairs. She lurks there, popping her head over the edge to see what we’re doing. My computer sits right beneath this opening, and I often look up and see her peeking over the side, checking to see if I’ve decided to spontaneously bake her some dog cookies. If she’s in the mood, she will sometimes leap into my arms from this point when I walk over to see her. Usually, though, she waits until I try to approach her, then bolts back to the top of the stairs. It’s like she thinks I have cooties or something. Once she’s sure I’m safely far away from the stairs, she’ll come back down again, for a second look.

Here’s a video of her playing the stair game with me –

If this isn’t enough, there’s the fact that of all the dogs, she’s the only one of our dogs who just will not come when she is called, thus leaving me to play a little game I like to call “Come and get the nice cookie so Mommy can tackle you like a sausage shaped football, you infuriating little beast”. Actually, the term ‘like to call’ is more of a misnomer for ‘am forced to screech every time she gets outside the fence’. Luckily for me, she’s completely food motivated, and would sell her dark little brindle soul for a dried up crumb of milkbone, so I’ll be working on the ‘come!’ command diligently over the next while.

Oh, and I should explain about chairs. Delilah doesn’t sit on them, like normal dogs – she scales the back of them, like some sort of mutant goat. I admit that she’s my ‘go to’ lap dog for chair sitting, but she doesn’t take being left behind very well if I have to get up for any reason. In fact, she barks with a sort of affronted indignation that’s almost as funny as it is alarming. Here’s a short clip of her Majesty expressing her opinion on the topic of my getting up and leaving her.

I’ve threatened to send her to Chicago to live with Hope and Dax, but I like them too much to inflict this kind of punishment on them.