Thursday Thirteen – Top 13 Dumbest Dog Lies I've Heard

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A recent thread on a pet forum inspired this entry, which is pretty much self explanatory. Feel free to add your own in comments.

1. “My Frenchies don’t shed”

Really? I wish I could say the same. I have a feral herd of dust bunnies the size of my head living under my couch, and they are breeding.

2. “French Bulldogs are sweet little pets that never fight”

I have a three inch scar at the webbing of my thumb and forefinger that resulted from breaking up a fight between two girls, neither of whom weighed more than 20 pouinds. It took fifteen stitches to close, and I lost my fingernail.

The dogs, on the other hand, were just fine.

3. “I show my dogs for the betterment of the breed”

When ‘bettering the breed’ includes clipping your dog’s palate, shaving his face, dyeing his nails, and gluing his ears, I have to wonder just what it is that’s being bettered. I like to win as much as the next person — well, unless the next person is a professional handler — but I don’t pretend that a ‘Ch’ in front of my dog’s name is an automatic ticket to genetic soundness and breed worthiness.

Dog shows are to animal husbandry what the Miss America pageant is to IQ testing.

4. “Every dog in the ring has a chance of going on to win Best in Show”

Sure they do – and little Susie from East Podunk has as good a chance of winning Miss America as that slick, polished, professionally prepped contestant with 200 local titles under her belt. Miracles might happen in movies, but in the real world? Not so much.

5. “Membership in the National Club is the best sign of ethics in a dog breeder”

Until National breed clubs start instituting mandatory health testing, rigorously enforced codes of ethics, and vigorous policing of their members, breed clubs will remain social clubs that exist to hold specialty shows. It’s like saying that membership in the Elks Club makes you automatically a better parent.

6. “I don’t need to health test my dog, because I’ve never had a problem”

We call this the ‘ostrich’ approach to dog breeding – if I pretend to never see it, it can’t possibly exist.

7. “There’s no such thing as a back that’s too short in a French Bulldog”

Sure there isn’t – and while we’re at it, let’s counter sink their noses into their skulls and put their tails up on top of their backs. Every single examination of basic physiology text book tells us how wrong this — do we really want to encourage it just because it’s cute?

8. “I offer a written health warranty”

Yes, technically you do – so long as the buyer returns the dog to you if anything ever goes wrong. I like how you stuck in a line about how ‘returned dogs will be euthanized’. What a convenient ‘get out of jail free’ card — you know no one will ever return a dog to you under those circumstances.

Best of all, since you live on the west coast, and the buyers on the east coast, you know they couldn’t ship the puppy back to you even if they wanted to, because no vet would sign a health certificate saying their dog is healthy enough to fly.

After all, most people don’t have access to the kind of ‘lenient’ vets you use to get your health certificates done.

9. “I breed dogs because it lets me show my love for Jesus. God bless!”

How nice for you – but do you really think Jesus wants you to keep 400 dogs in rabbit hutches in your back yard? I mean, isn’t this the same Jesus who said “Whatsoever you have done to these the least of My brethren, you have done unto Me”? I’m pretty sure Jesus would have a few choice words to say about your approach to animal husbandry – but hey! I’m sure he’ll get to tell you himself, eventually.

Also, could you please get rid of the blinky text and Midi hymns from your website? Bad graphic design makes the baby Jesus cry.

10. “Our pet store gets all its puppies from caring breeders”

Sure it does — and that ‘free’ bulldog really is in Cameroon with a missionary, and yours for $300 in shipping fees.

It’s hard to feel sorry for anyone who stills believes claims this blatantly stupid, but since they’re out there, let’s clarify – breeders who care are crazy people.

If we could, we’d do CIA background checks on potential puppy buyers before we let you take our babies home. I know breeders who do credit checks on potential buyers. I personally call veterinarians and check references and have a ten page lawyer checked contract that makes buying a house look like a walk in the park compared to getting a puppy from me.

Good breeders are the most paranoid people alive – do you really think we’d turn our puppies over, in bulk, to pet stores where they can be fondled by germ carrying strangers and sold to anyone with an Amex card?

11. “We import puppies from Russia because the dogs there are healthier”

You import puppies from Russia because you can buy them for $500, and re-sell them for $2500. The fact that the puppies will be traumatized, under aged, parasite infested and sickly are all just bonus points.

12. ” You don’t need to come and pick your puppy up – we’ll ship it at 8 weeks. Puppies don’t mind being shipped”

Well, sure! Eight week old puppies, which are emotionally the equivalent of two year old children, enjoy being stuck in a crate, placed in a cargo building, and then loaded into the belly of an airplane. The six hour flight, complete with plane transfer, doesn’t bother them in the least, even though new airline regulations mean you can’t ship them with water, food or blankets.

Hey, let’s ship the kids to Grandma’s house by cargo next Christmas!

13. “We don’t need to give our puppies shots, because naturally reared animals don’t get rabies or parvo”

The last time I checked, raccoons don’t eat take out food – and yet they still somehow manage to get rabies. And yes, canine rabies still exists, and is still killing dogs (and possibly people). Commercial dog food has been around since the 1940s, but distemper was the number one killer of puppies – puppies raised on table scraps and human grade food – at the turn of the century, with parvo a close second. I know a lot of ‘naturally reared’ puppies, that have broken out with parvo in their new homes, or have been crammed with worms.

Here’s a hint – all medicine isn’t bad medicine. Stop acting like raw meaty bones can cure anything – you’re making the rest of us who feed raw look like crazy people.

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How DARE they?

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Great Danes get Obama, but we get stuck with Rudy? Shrill, desperate, “I rescued New York from 9-11” Rudy?

You bastard.

Mutts

« If candidates were dogs: Mike Gravel – Samoyed | Main | If candidates were dogs: John Edwards – Golden Retriever »

If candidates were dogs: Rudolph Giuliani – French Bulldog

 

giuliani.jpggiulianifrenchbulldog.jpg giulianifrenchbulldogphoto.jpg

Description: An active, intelligent, muscular dog with an alert, curious and interested expression; compactly built with ears that are broad at the base, elongated, and round at the top.

Behavior: The French Bulldog is well-behaved and adaptable, with an even disposition and an affectionate nature. They have an independent mind and can be both stubborn and manipulative.

They will tolerate well-behaved children but can get jealous and even destructive if they do not have all the attention, or if left alone for long periods. They love to be included in family activities. French Bulldogs are playful, but not unduly boisterous.

Tendency to bark: Low

Level of aggression: Low

Suitability as guard dog: Low

(Candidate photo by AP; sketch by Susan Donley, petspictured.com; breed photo by AP)

(To see the full Dog Lovers’ Guide to the Presidential Election click here.)

 

We are kicking some Pug buttinski

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Check it, peeps –

We are seriously kickin’ some Puggy butt. And Goldens? Forget about it. They are so yesterday.

Peta or Puppy Mill?

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I have a temper. I know I have a temper, I acknowledge I have a temper, and I do my best to control my temper. Email can tend to be my weakness – stupid questions cause me to type before I think, leading me often to wonder why we don’t have a ‘ten second I changed my mind delay’ button we can use to get email back before it soars out over the ether. Since Bill Gates has yet to invent one, I decided that starting a column which basically begs people to send me stupid questions might not be such a good idea — the questions might need to be answered, but by a calmer person than me.

That’s where Pat Pearce and Kathi Liebe come in.

When I decided to start a page called ‘Ask the French Bulldog Experts‘, I knew I needed some breeder experts less likely than myself to call people ‘dumb asses’ at the drop of the hat. Pat, in particular, has shown herself to have the ability to answer even the silliest questions with unflagging patience and good humor (Kathi, on the other hand, is my alter ego, and more like to respond with a reply starting with ‘Dear Idiot’. Ha!).

I knew we were opening the floodgates, but for the most part the questions have been sincere inquiries about the ethics of breeding. The law of averages being what it is, though, it makes sense that we were due for a missive of world class stoopid proportions. Enter today’s correspondent.

Her initial email was baffling, but seemed to be the typical ramblings of a ‘dog breeders are all mercenary assholes’ Peta acolyte:

From: xxxx <xxx@xxx.net>*
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2008 16:31:28 -0600
Subject: Ask the French Bulldog Breeder

Why do you people breed your dogs, if not to make money? If you are better than everyone else that breeds dogs you should only have dogs for pets not for profit.

It really gets annoying to read all these webs sites that bad mouth all breeders but themselves, seems to me the only reason to have a litter of any kind of puppy is to profit from it. And the people that breed Frenchies want an outrageous price for their pet quality puppies….and you know as well as I do that not every puppy is show or breeder quality. But you all want that all mighty dollar for your litters of puppies….

Thanks for another PETA moment at your site………….

Now, I know I should have left this one to Pat, but come on – it was early morning, I was coffee deprived, and the first thing I read is an email from some AR wackjob accusing me of only breeding dogs for money. Where that money is supposed to be, I’d dearly like to know, because I’m almost going to have to take out a house loan to pay off Solo’s vet bills, but I digress.

Since I’m an imperfect person, here’s my response –

I’m sorry, was there a question in all of this, or did you just write to get in more obnoxious twat practice?

Pat, on the other, emailed me lamenting that there didn’t seem to be any opportunity for education in the original email. See? I told you she was a better person than me.

To good to hope that the Peta wank would let it lie with just one email, I soon enough found this in my in box –

thank you for your reply……pissed you off didn’t it………..just like your self righteous web page pisses off other breeders that are doing what’s right without bad mouthing everyone else on their sites.

You could probably sell just as many dogs without printing the PETA crap. If people like you continue to publicize their crap one day we will have NO rights to even own a dog or eat meat in this country…..The government through the special interests groups have already taken away more of our freedoms than I care to go into….. So if bad mouthing me because I had an opinion works for you…. Have a fine day …………..

Go ahead and print this in your blog Dickhead !!!!!

Well, now I’m confused. Apparently she’s not the Peta wank – I am. It seems she thinks I’m some sort of dog breeding undercover front for Peta, dead set on stopping people from eating meat or owning pets (because we know how pro dog breeding Peta is). I truly and honestly don’t know what point she was trying to make — that being pro ethics equals being pro Peta? That Pat and Kathi’s extraordinarily polite answers to the questions people have so far submitted somehow align them with the Animal Liberation Front? That when the moon is full, the crazies come out and write emails?

Either way, my less than patient response was this –

What on earth are you blathering about? Where have we EVER supported PETA, you idiotic little twat? Where have we ever done anything but expose PETA as the self serving, money grubbing liars they are? Are you talking about articles where we’ve posted things like “PETA Kills Animals, No One Outside Hollywood Surprised”? Yes, I can see how that could be taken as being supportive of them (that’s called sarcasm).

And where on earth have we ever bad mouthed dog breeders? Are you even aware of who you are emailing, or are you off of whatever meds you’re supposed to be taking? Did you miss the part where you emailed ‘Ask the DOG BREEDER’, or did you mis read that as ‘Ask the AR Nutjob’?

I’m not bad mouthing you for having an opinion, I’m bad mouthing you for having a serious lack of any kind of reading comprehension skills. Two different things altogether. Also, you’ve mistaken ‘ironic amusement at your stupidity’ for ‘pissed off’. Yet again, two different things.

But, feel free to continue. I like a nice long thread.

Yes, I know I didn’t handle it well. Yes, I know I should have been more polite, more rational and less impulsive. But, hey! That’s what Pat and Kathi are for.

I’d write more, but I have to go picket a KFC – and pick up some dinner while I’m there.

ps: turns out I’m good company – The Pet Connection people have also been accused of being both pro Peta and pro puppy mills. Read their entry on it here – but I’ll bet they’ve never been accused of being both simultaneously, and by the same person.

* Identifying details such as name, email address and home state removed. Don’t say I never do anyone any favors.

Secret Undercover Semen Smuggling Ring

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Semen Smugglers Cove

 

Over in my post “Timing is a Bitch“, Jan from the Poodle and Dog Blog commented to muse on just how often canine semen gets stopped at the border for ‘inspection’. I’d like to say ‘never’, and for most people, that answer would probably be true. I, on the other hand, apparently run a sort of canine semen smuggling ring.

It all started when a shipment of fresh semen I was having shipped in from the west coast got stuck at customs. It was the weekend, and things happen, but three days at a warehouse left me with a vial full of dead semen, and I was determined not to let that happen again. Timing testing and semen evaluation are pricey procedures, and the bill gets paid whether it all results in puppies or not. Driving the extra distance seemed worthwhile, so I decided to arrange for same day shipping into Buffalo airport for future shipments. This meant I’d have to drive to Buffalo airport, then bring the semen back across the border myself – a five hour round trip, if nothing goes wrong. Note the emphasis on the word ‘if‘.

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