Thursday Thirteen – 13 things Tessa wants me to buy for her

Tessa has always been a rather stylish lady, but of late I admit I’ve rather slacked off on accumulating new goods for her (other than designer cookies, of course, which go without saying).

So, here are 13 things that Tessa has found on line and is insisting I purchase for her. Since my credit limit is exactly that (a ‘limit’, rather than a ‘limitless’), she’ll likely have to make do with just one or two things, rather than the whole shebang. This, no doubt, will cause her to skulk around acting like I’ve kicked her, which she was already doing as a result of my refusing to let her charge at the new kitten.

Poor Tessa. Born to be the pet of royalty, and sadly stuck with me instead.

13. Pink and Sparkly Skull and Crossbones Collar

It’s pink! It’s shiny! It’s got a skull on it!

Added bonus – I can get a matching necklace.

12. Skinneez Stuffing Free Toy

Tessa’s favorite thing to do with stuffed toys is to grab them, shake them into submission, then gut them. By the time she’s done with them (roughly two minutes, give or take) all that remains is a pile of fluff and a masticated stuffie.

This toy from Golly Gear is perfect – it’s already stuffing free! It does look a little bit like roadkill, however… but Tessa thinks that’s a bonus.

11. Slightly Disturbing Leather and Lace Dog Corset

Tessa is a very, very girly dog (when she’s not kicking poodle butt and taking kitten names). I accept her propensity for wanting to wear frilly dog clothes, but I think I’m going to have to draw the line at this rather disturbing (yet very well made) piece of doggie lingerie.

I let her have this, and the next thing I know she’ll be hanging out downtown Toronto at the 5ive Nightclub…

10. Doggie Rhinestone Tiara

What becomes a pretty pretty Princess better than a rhinestone tiara, custom made for your dog? Nothing that I can think of, that’s for sure.

Tessa firmly believes that what she really needs is a conquering army and a shirt that says “Dictators Do It Whether You Want to Or Not”, but barring that, she’ll settle for a tiara.

9. Jakey BB Handcrafted Luxury Pet Bed

Holy Hannah… what becomes a doggie dictator better than this super deluxe, hand crafted, custom made pet bed? As the sales pitch says “From the hand painted signature border along the lower edge of the bed to the decorative molding, it’s easy to see that at Jakey BB it’s all about the details. Even the welt cord on the cushions has been tea stained to achieve that exact perfect color.” They even use recycled materials.

8. Alaskan Bear Wild Salmon Treats

When a girl is getting up past a ‘certain age’, her hips and joints aren’t quite as flexy as they used to be. No, I don’t mean me – I mean Tessa (although it might in fact be applicable to us both). The Omega fatty acids in salmon oil are supposed to be good for creaky old bones, plus Tessa has always rather liked fish. We ordered some of these in sample size, and she ate them up so fast I’m going to re order some in bulk.

7. Happy Trails Pet Stroller

One of the things that goes along with those aforementioned creaky joints is an inability to go for long walks the way Tessa used to. I hate leaving her at home, but hiking up the wooded trails behind our house just isn’t possible for her anymore, and it’s breaks my heart to see her struggle on the rough terrain. This stroller looks like the solution for that dilemma – it’s rugged, trail rated, and has sturdy suspension. The 50 pound rated model means that I can carry two Frenchies in it at once – which is good, because a few of my Frenchies are getting up there in years.

6. Oh My Dog! Dog Cologne

I’m a firm believer in intermittent baths for dogs. I bathe mine once every other month, at most, and while I do use a good quality, extra gentle shampoo, I skip all the colognes and sprays. Tessa finds this to be unacceptable. She personally believes that it is her Goddess given right to smell like “Rose Wood, Orange Leaves, Osmanthus, Freesia, and Vanilla”, and that my refusal to pat her down with cologne is tantamount to abuse. I caught her googling “PETA save stinky doggie” the other day, so I’d better order her some, stat, before a group of crazy naked chicks show up and stage a protest on my front lawn.

5. Throne Chair

OK, technically this might not be a ‘pet chair’ per se, but wouldn’t Tessa look cute sitting in it? I think so, and more importantly, so does she.

And yes, you’re sensing a theme.

4. Custom Baked Doggie Birthday Cake

Tessa has a rather monumental birthday coming up this year – her 14th, in fact. In people years, she’d be Dick Clark, for heaven’s sake! What better way to celebrate than with a custom baked and decorated doggie birthday cake, to be shared with some of her closest friends? Or not shared, since this is Tessa we’re talking about…

3. Custom Made Bronze Sculpture

What better way to immortalize a divinely diva-esque doggie dictator than a custom crafted, way more than life size bronze sculpture? All Tessa would need to go with it is a park named after her. Or perhaps a small country.

2. Villa in the South of France

Well, hello? She’s a French Bulldog. Where else could be more fitting for her to live?

1. Private Jet

You didn’t expect her to fly coach, did you? Neither did she. And let’s not even discuss shipping her via cargo (shudder). In the interest of economy, Tessa pointed out to me that she’d settle for a part lease. She’s a thrifty one, that Tessa.